The room was silent as my husband and I folded laundry.
Elbow-deep in underwear, I felt my heart lurch when he asked the question: “What’s wrong?”
With a deep, unsteady breath, I admitted that I felt like a fraud in my business. Like my success was a sham. Like I would never be able to keep it up, to carry on, to deliver at the highest levels for my current clients (or, God forbid, clients in the future).
Then he said something that made me burst into tears.
“But you’re so successful!” he said, genuinely shocked. “Why don’t you feel confident in yourself?”
I immediately burst into tears.
Despite my sweetheart’s attempt at reason, my heart couldn’t hear the Ivery sound logic he was presenting. From my dark and hurting place, I believed the only reason people continued to work with me was because they couldn’t see inside my head. They couldn’t see my secret shame: that I was a no-talent hack.
Never mind the results my clients achieved.
Never mind the glowing referrals.
All I could see was the impenetrable wall of my own limitations. My utter conviction that I was a failure one step away from collapse.
When my sweet husband tried to comfort me by pointing out my successes, I felt like he’d completely ignored everything I said.
Each one of those stories he pointed to as “evidence of my success” felt like another crack in the facade.
Any minute now, the whole thing would crumble…and I would be left with the wreckage.
Can you relate?
If so, I want to tell you two things:
- You are not alone.
I’ve spoken to dozens (if not hundreds!) of successful women who share these stories as though it’s a secret only they have lived. Just because it’s happening in your head doesn’t mean you’re the only one. - You are not the problem—but you ARE the solution.
Back when I was crying into clean undershirts, I didn’t understand the truth that no amount of external validation can rewrite the story that says you’re not good enough.
External praise, the quick wins, the comforting cuddles from friends and family and die-heart clients—these things will bring you comfort. But only your consistent commitment to building self-worth will overwrite shame and self-doubt.
The story that says you’re not good enough, the shame that keeps you feeling small, MUST be shifted by the radical choice to validate yourself.
When was the last time you made a conscious decision to embrace the worth of your work no matter what? No matter what your circumstances OR your inner critic says?
If you’re like most women in business, the answer is: probably never.
Next time, I’ll give you a specific practice you can use to acknowledge and integrate your worth.
For now, I invite you to simply begin noticing the shame-stories you tell yourself.
When you start to feel like a fraud, when you question the validity of your success, ask: What if NOTHING is wrong with me? What if everything is RIGHT with me, right now?
Start to reality-check and reframe your inner dialogue. It might be all you need to start building your confidence muscle. (Spousal support not required.)
