Do you ever waste time and energy beating yourself up about something you think you *should* change—but in your heart of hearts, you KNOW it isn’t a good use of your time?
For as long as I can remember, I’ve tried to hide, suck in, or flatten the look of my stomach in photos. God forbid my family or Facebook friends see my stomach rolls.
I’ve taken issue with the width of my torso since I was in middle school, when I got hormones and realized I had more tummy than the majority of girls in school. (I blame the ’90s trend of wearing crop tops with low-rise jeans. What a freaking nightmare.)
Throughout my 20s, I was low-key obsessed with losing weight, especially from my stomach. Dating always felt like a challenge, which I blamed on the fact I wasn’t thin enough.
When I got married, that put my mind to some ease. Haha, sucker, you’re stuck with me now! But seriously, seeing someone else’s unflinching love for my tummy helped soften my view toward myself.
Then I began working with a private coach. Though we focused on my business, not my belly, she helped me detach from my endless loop of sh!tty self-talk. I finally noticed that my thoughts were often cruel and deeply critical, and I detangled my heart from the habit of self-hatred one small step at a time. Improving my mindset took years of practice (like all good things) and improved my self-esteem considerably.*
*Weirdly enough, if you’d asked me back then, I’d have said my self-esteem was sky-high and I only lacked confidence in myself as a business owner. Turns out self-confidence and self-esteem are not so different, and our self-treatment in one area of life impacts all the others.
When I got pregnant, I fell in love with my stomach for the first time. Suddenly society was celebrating with my larger-than-average belly. I saw clearly the impact of oppressive systems that had shamed and minimized my body my whole life. And I felt sovereignty stirring alongside my curiosity, mesmerized as I was by the magic underneath my skin.
Partway through pregnancy, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. Once I settled into the diet-and-finger-stick routine, I appreciated the ease and energy of my body getting what she needed to function. Some of my bloating, swelling, and exhaustion disappeared, and I felt healthier than I ever had before.
Now my baby is 8 months old, and my soft, sweet stomach rolls are back. I don’t watch what I eat, so I’ve been steadily packing on pounds since my little one arrived. But for the first time in my whole life, I don’t care at all.
In a world that’s busy telling us who and how much we can be, my dearest wish is for you to decide what you do and do not give f*cks about.
You and I have so much real work to do. We have holistic businesses to build and cash flow to steward, hearts to heal and souls to serve. We have friends to love and children to raise and a whole world that’s waiting to benefit from broader and bigger expressions of our truth and love.
The less time you spend beating up on yourself, buying into the stories and systems that want you to stay small, the more time you have to do the very great work that is yours and yours alone. To honor your needs, celebrate your desires, and follow the signal of your inner GPS, wherever it may lead. Plus you’ll have more time and energy to do nothing (hooray!) and simply enjoy the ride.
So here are 3 lessons I’ve learned about how you can give fewer f*cks about things that don’t actually matter to the health and healing of your heart.
- If you’re feeling badly about yourself, question your thoughts.
Have you heard the saying “don’t believe everything you think”? This can be hard to do, but it’s true. Thoughts are the water we swim in day in and out, but that doesn’t mean they are true or useful. If you start to feel badly about yourself, see if you can identify a thought or self-critical story that’s generating the negative vibes. Notice where that thought likely comes from (past conditioning? personal history? social narratives?) and decide whether or not you want to keep thinking it.
- If you can’t stop looping on a particular series of beliefs, thoughts, or feelings, seek professional support.
Mental health is more widely supported than ever before in human history. As someone who’s benefitted from working with many types of mental health professionals over the years (including therapists, healers, and mindset coaches), believe me—sometimes you just can’t see the forest for the trees. It’s an act of bravery and self-trust to reach out for support, but you’re safe and deserving of receiving it.
- Give yourself permission to prioritize the habits and activities that replenish and sustain your energy.
One of the fastest ways to give fewer f*cks about stuff that doesn’t matter is to fill up your day with the stuff that lights you up. The more you prioritize habits and activities that bring you energy, make you happy, increase peace and calm, and make life joyful and easy, the less bandwidth you have to linger in ambivalence or stop/start energy around changes you think you “should” make.
Just be aware that you may have some mindset gremlins pop up at first. Conditioned feelings of guilt and “not good enough” may appear when you prioritize your well-being and choose to put yourself first. Don’t fall for it, though. If anything, these gremlins are proof that you’re on the right track—transcending the spaces you may be boxed in and blossoming into the bigness of your unlimited heart.
One final thought: I know that weight gain and loss is a sensitive subject for many people. Wherever you are in your body acceptance and health journey, please know I support your self-love and healing, whatever that looks and feels like for you.
At this point in my life, post-baby weight management isn’t something I’m concerned about. I may tighten up my diet at some point in the future, since my body really did feel good with less sugar in my bloodstream, but I’m clear that time isn’t right now. I’m choosing to focus my energy elsewhere, and I’m delighted and empowered by this decision.
At the end of the day, that’s what I take a stand for—the stuff that truly does matter to you and your gorgeous heart of hearts. When you find those things, please love them, embrace them, and celebrate the utter perfection of who and exactly how much you are.
With love,
Elizabeth
P.S. In other news, I was interviewed on The Collective Resilience: We Rise podcast. I sat down with host Christine Gyovai to discuss how to leverage the powers of mindset, community, and passion to create a more sustainable, profitable, and joyful business. If you want to build your bounce back muscle and a better world, take a listen and subscribe right here: https://yeswerise.org/episode-23-with-elizabeth-hope-derby/
