In my last post, I discussed the problem with our view of work-life balance and how a shift in perspective to being present can help create a more balanced life. (Need a refresher? Click here.)
Today, I’ll guide you though three practical suggestions for being more present in your life. But first, a bit of real talk.
In its simplest form, being present is just a matter of flipping a switch. You can choose to be present no matter what is going on.
That said, “being present” isn’t not something you do once and never again. If you want the gifts that come with presence—to really feel satisfied at the end of the day, to feel wildly, electrically alive in your life, to taste every flavor and sensation of this crazy buffet called life—you have to practice being present over and over again.
And let’s face it, this is easier said than done. We live in a world that wants to distract us from being present. It’s not just the pinging of email, text messages, voice notes, social media notifications, phone calls, or actual vocal interruptions from crying babies, yelling kids, or chatty partners. It’s the undercurrent of distraction that comes in the form of obligations and expectations from our culture, from our families of origin, from the water that we swim in every day.
As women, we’re often taught to orient ourselves outward—to be good for others, to serve others, to position ourselves so that we can react to others and their requests of us. We are taught in both overt and subliminal ways to be subservient to the needs of other people. We’re biologically programmed to be reflexive and responsive to the needs of our children, but also, in order to feel safe in a world that has robbed us of the tools and the emotional and mental support to create safety for ourselves, we have learned to create safety by constantly monitoring the world around us and reacting to that.
Small wonder that as we get older, our responsibilities accumulate, and we achieve more external success, we’re not in the habit of attending to our own needs or enjoying the practice of being present inside our own bodies and lives. We’re not only out of practice—we don’t even have permission to do it. Until we consciously break from social and historical expectations, we continue to react and respond to others and feel we don’t really have a choice.
The forces working against us are real, such that we are continually distracted and floating on the surface of life. It’s not easy to anchor into being in the here and now, which means we must activate our agency.
We have the power to reject the “have it all or you’re missing out” rhetoric preached by capitalist culture and consciously choose to believe “right now, I have enough.” We can cultivate present moment awareness in a really intentional and deliberate way so that it serves us and we can enjoy it.
When we do, we can enjoy that thing we call work-life balance (i.e. emotional experience of being present for our priorities) and carry it with us through our days. We can use it to feel satisfied when we fall asleep at night and feel fulfilled and proud on our death beds.
If you’re ready to exit the pressure of social and emotional expectation and actually create a practice of presence in your life, here’s how to get started today.
1. Commit to creating space
Being present requires spaciousness. It requires room to breathe, to be slow, to stop, to see and look around you.
Right now, we’re deep in the holiday season, standing on the cusp of a new year. If you’re taking a break from work and unhooking from professional pressures, this is truly a perfect moment to create some breathing room.
Begin this practice literally.
You are constantly breathing in and out, but do you take the space to inhale deeply and exhale completely? Go ahead and do it right now. Just tune into your breathing. Take a big breath in and out. In and out. In and out.
Now, here you are. Present in your body. Give big thanks to your lungs.
That feeling of spaciousness doesn’t occur out of nowhere: it occurs because you gave yourself room to slow down to the speed of life.
You can do this any time you want. You just need to remember to do it.
So make the commitment here and now and to do this for yourself. Every so often, say, “I’m going to pause. I’m going to drop everything and enjoy myself, right where I am, right here. When I close my eyes, when I take a deep breath, when I put my feet flat on the floor, I can trust that the world around me isn’t going to fall apart. I can give this gift to myself.”
2. Commit to receiving support
Last time, I wrote about a delightful evening where I took a long walk outside sipping wine and chatting on the phone with an old friend from college.
To be clear, my fun evening was only possible because the baby was asleep and my husband was in the house, making sure nothing caught on fire. I had a support system in place that gave me the space to be present.
If you’re committed to creating more space for yourself, you must acknowledge your need for support, Including what kind you need and how much. Because, let’s face it, if you’re in a burning room (literally or figuratively), it’s going to be really hard to take some deep breaths and relax.
The question is—do you have the support you need right now?
An easy way to answer this question is to ask yourself how long you can walk away from your work and truly breathe easy.
Whether the answer is five minutes or ten or half a day or a week or a month, how much time are you willing and able to go offline so you can simply be?
Do a quick gut check and find out your limit. There is no right or wrong answer, just a valid starting point.
Next up, ask yourself: “If I were to commit to taking this amount of time off of work, what kind of support would I need in place to be able to relax? What would be required for me to truly check out and just be present during that period of time?”
If the answer is relatively small—measured in minutes, not hours or days—make a point to take it. Detaching from busyness is a muscle and it needs to be flexed.
If the answer is longer, get it on your calendar. (Bonus points if you choose your next break while taking time off for the holiday.)
Of course, you may realize you need more support than you’ve currently got. If that sounds like you, welcome to the club!
The good news is, your list of support systems doesn’t have to be complete right now. All of us are constantly upgrading in one way or another.
For now, pick one specific request you can make from someone in your life in the next 7 days to give yourself more breathing room. Once you identify what you’re asking for, make the request and get that free time on the calendar.
3. Commit to centering your priorities in your schedule
When we talk about work-life balance, we’re really talking about having more of the things we want in our orbit (and less of the stuff we don’t).
If you want to feel more present and connected to your life, it’s important to spend your time doing the things you want to be present FOR.
And spending you time doing what YOU want (as opposed to reflexively filling your dance card with requests from other people) requires that you a) identify your current priorities, and b) make sure they show up on your calendar.
Take a moment to reflect on the question, “What matters to me in this season of life?”
You can think about this through the lens of your values and how you express them, i.e. how you prefer to experience family connectedness, or freedom, or fun and pleasure, or whatever lights your fire.
You can also consider it through the lens of your vision for the future, i.e. what you want to experience in your life moving forward. This can look like specific goals you want to achieve, opportunities you want to take advantage of, or intentions and feelings you want to call in and create.
Once you get clear on what it is that actually matters to you right now, you need to do a gentle time audit. Are these priorities showing up on your calendar? Are you actually making time and space to experience them in your schedule and day?
If so, give yourself a high five. Making time for what matters most is a heroic achievement in our jam-packed lives.
If not, give yourself a high five anyway, because you’re definitely doing the best you can. Then figure out how you’re going to start adding those priorities back into your calendar. Step one will probably look like saying no a lot more, perhaps cutting yourself loose from current obligations. ‘Tis the season to massively declutter your calendar!
No matter what, I encourage you to keep breathing deep and invoking that feeling of spaciousness. As you do the strategic and logistical work of building breathing room back into your life, give yourself the emotional and mental grace to enjoy what’s already going on.
Your life is already so wonderful. You just need more moments to savor it.
So there you have it—my top three suggestions for approaching work-life balance a little differently this season.
I’d love to hear if these resonate for you and if so, what actions you can or want to take.
If you’d like some support creating a more spacious, joyful work life, I actually have a brand-new coaching package designed to help you do just that.
For a limited time, I’m offering 1:1 business strategy intensives where we define your vision of success and create a game plan to get you there.
If you’d like to learn more, simply drop me a note at ehd@elizabethhopederby.com with the subject line “Intensive” and I’ll send you all the details.
Until next time, I’m wishing you and your loved ones presence, peace, and joy. Brightest blessings on this winter solstice and for the year ahead!
