When you think about going on a date with yourself, what image comes to mind?
For me, this idea conjures visions of leisurely bubble baths, buying yourself a dozen long-stemmed roses, or checking into an AirBnB for a long weekend.
I don’t know about you, but I personally don’t relate to any of these typical “go-be-a-woman-taking-care-of-yourself” images.
Most bathtubs are too short for me to fit into them comfortably, I prefer mixed flowers to roses, and long weekend vacays are out of the question for me in my current I’ve-got-a-baby-and-we’re-still-trying-to-avoid-COVID-at-all-costs lifestyle. When I think that’s my only option, I know I won’t do it. And I’m tempted to skip the self-love entirely. Maybe you can relate.
At the same time, loving yourself and taking good care of the most precious person in your life (that’s YOU, by the way, not your kids or partner or pets) is a powerfully important ingredient in building a healthier, happier life and career.
If you don’t tend to and nurture yourself, entropy and stress will slowly erode the foundation of everything you cherish, and you won’t be able to sustain your current external reality, let alone create a more joyful one.
So let’s have some fun and self-love already!!
To put it into romantic terms, learning how to love and care for yourself (in ways that are valid and meaningful to you) is as non-negotiable a skill as learning how to care for and communicate with an actual romantic partner.
After all, you are GUARANTEED to be in a relationship with yourself until the day you die. You and yourself are in it for the long haul.
So why not take a few minutes (if only for today) to help make this lifelong relationship one for the history books?
The good news is, you don’t have to force yourself to fit into some cheesy box (or a too-small bathtub) to show yourself a little love.
Here are three 30-second tools you can use TODAY to practice self-love in a practical way:
If you have 60 seconds: Ditch “always” and “never” from your self-talk.
Relationship psychologist John Gottman (of “Four Horseman of the Apocalypse” fame) named criticism as one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” that spell disaster for a relationship.
As my friend Kate Bennis notes on her blog, these words tend to be hallmarks of a global attack—something depersonalized and difficult to refute. Not necessarily accurate, but just plain mean.
For most of us, self-criticism is as natural as breathing. Blame social conditioning, systems of oppression, childhood trauma, and more—chances are you’re WAY harder on yourself than you need to be.
How can you catch your inner critic red-handed? Pay attention to your self-talk and notice when you use statements with the words “always” and “never”.
If you catch yourself saying something like, “I always wake up too late” or “I never eat right”, you can be certain you’re hearing the voice of your inner critic. Give your inner dialogue a gentle course-correct with a more accurate, factual statement like, “I woke up 5 minutes later than I planned today because I was tired,” or “I finished an entire box of brownie batter today, and I don’t feel very good, but I still love myself.”
If you have 5 minutes: Commit to giving yourself a gift—in your own love language.
The 5 Love Languages is a concept coined by counselor Gary Chapman, who explains that different kinds of people give and receive love differently. Some of us love receiving gifts, for example, while others just want love notes and words of affirmation.
This Valentine’s Day, I encourage you to set aside 5 minutes to give yourself the gift of love in your own love language. (Don’t know what your love language is? Click here to find out.)
Here are some mini-date ideas based on the different love languages:
- If your love language is Words of Affirmation, look at yourself deep in the mirror and praise yourself out loud. You can also write a love letter to yourself in a notebook or journal.
- If your love language is Receiving Gifts, buy yourself something nice, just because you deserve it—or even if you don’t. Think about how it feels when you first fall madly in love with someone. Their mere existence is enough to justify buying them something nice, right?
- If your love language is Acts of Service, hire (or ask) someone to do something nice for you. Book someone to clean your house or deliver you breakfast from your favorite brunch spot, or even pay for someone to wash your car. Appreciate the good vibes that come with someone else meeting your needs or wants.
- If your love language is Quality Time, give yourself some uninterrupted space to just do what would feel good for your body, mind, and heart. Maybe that’s binge-watching Netflix, going for a walk in the woods, or digging into some yoga. No matter what flavor of time you give yourself, make sure you pause to connect and listen to yourself. Five minutes of journaling, meditation, or even talking out loud can work wonders.
- If your love language is Physical Touch, give yourself the touch you crave and appreciate! Whether that’s breathing deep with hands over your heart, giving yourself a hug, or getting busy with yourself under the sheets (yes, I said it)—these are all great practices for gifting yourself the touch you deserve.
To see an example of a mini-date in action, check out this 30-second video of me giving myself some Words of Affirmation: https://www.instagram.com/p/CZ-J97KgwDb/
If your date idea takes more than 5 minutes, no worries—you don’t have to do it right now. Instead, you can take 5 minutes to brainstorm the date that appeals most to you, then get it on the calendar for future enjoyment.
So go ahead! Open your Google Calendar tab or app and pop it in there. Maybe pop some bubbly or kombucha while you’re at it. ; )
If you’ve got 15 minutes: Marry yourself! (Or at least learn how.)
Two years before I got married to my husband, I married myself. It was a beautiful late summer day; I wore white and wept copiously. That lush sunny afternoon, surrounded by tall grasses and flittering butterflies, I gave myself a ring and made a promise to love myself in sickness and in health, in good times and bad, and to do my best every day to show up fully, from the depths of my heart, with tenderness and compassion for myself as we adventured on the journey of this lifetime together.
The simple act of writing my vows, reflecting on my heart from outside of myself, sparked a kindness and delight and comfort in my own skin that I’ve never lost. And I continue to keep my promises.
A lot has been written about how to marry yourself, and rituals can be as elaborate or simple as you’d like. To me, of course, the most important component is that you choose to do something that feels special for you. To get started by learning more, you can check out this Tedx Talk by Tracy McMillan:
As this Valentine’s Day shifts to a close, I do hope you make time to love up on yourself today—and every day, of course.
Do you have a favorite ritual for practicing self-love, or will you try one of the above? Hit reply and let me know!
With love,
Elizabeth
